When someone begins searching for clues about how they developed certain codependent traits, understanding their attachment style becomes an important step.
I believe the term codependency gives us plenty to consider when we examine the core beliefs at the center of our patterns. However, when we’re willing to look even deeper, we must explore the agreements we’ve made with ourselves—the very agreements that eventually form our core beliefs. These beliefs shape the outcomes we often describe as codependency.
Consider this: How we attach to our parents or caregivers, and later to our social connections, often forms the agreements that influence how we see ourselves and communicate in relationships. (Keep in mind the “big five” areas of life: family relationships, social connections, relationship to self, work and finances, and spiritual relationship.)
The Role of Dis/Ease
When we struggle to find peace or contentment with ourselves, the dis/ease is usually present. This dis/ease creates negative attitudes and behaviors, which tend to progress over time.
If we can recognize these attitudes and behaviors—and if we’re willing to change them—we can begin addressing the root issue. But unless the attachment style is also acknowledged and worked through, these patterns often return. This is what we typically call a relapse.
The dis/ease is progressive; it intensifies over time until the person feels completely helpless, which eventually leads to hopelessness. This cycle can leave someone feeling as though they no longer know who they are. The dis/ease robs them of any emotional point of reference—this is its objective. When someone becomes emotionally reactive, they lose the ability to engage the rational side of their brain.
Generational Patterns in Attachment
Attachment styles are often passed down from one generation to the next. Each generation may become less healthy in its communication and attachment patterns. Over time, entire cultures or societies can lose sight of these unhealthy dynamics and fail to recognize how codependency spreads.
When we begin to understand the agreements we’ve made with ourselves, we can start to unravel the mystery of the dis/ease in our lives and heal generational wounds.
A Path to Healing
Attachment styles are essentially agreements we carry from one relationship to another throughout our lives. Through our attachment style, we decide—often unconsciously—how we connect with others and with the dis/ease itself. Unlike personality, attachment styles can change over time.
The bottom line is this: We can heal. We can recover. We can improve the quality of our relationships by making new agreements with ourselves. Agreements and boundaries go hand in hand—what we agree to becomes the boundaries we live by.
If you’re beginning to recognize patterns in your attachment style or struggling to break free from codependent cycles, you don’t have to walk through it alone. At Journey to the Way Counseling Services, we help individuals, couples, and families identify the roots of their pain, heal generational wounds, and create healthier connections with themselves and others.
